The scanner that was never broken
pacman -Qq | grep -iE 'sane|scan' returned exactly one package: hyprwayland-scanner, which is a Hyprland build tool and nothing to do with scanners. That was the whole diagnosis. The scan half of my HP OfficeJet Pro 8710 had never worked from this machine, I’d assumed that meant a driver I hadn’t installed, and the truth was that nothing at all had ever been installed to talk to it.
The printer’s side had been ready the entire time. Its IPP record advertises Scan=T and mopria-certified=1.3, and http://192.168.1.3/eSCL/ScannerCapabilities answers 200 with eSCL 2.5, offering the flatbed, the document feeder, and duplex. It had been offering for as long as it had been on the network. Nobody was listening.